Writ of Habeas Shortus.

M: Snort.


A: Oh God! I'm breathless. The ass shot is priceless:

M: Her ass should sue for breach of asscrack or something. I don't even know what that means, but it isn't good.

M: I am not a lawyer. Also, I've had some wine.

A: It makes complete sense to me, which shouldn't be comforting.

M: You should probably get your head checked. I think there are torts involved. Habeas shortus?

A: Snort.

M: I am just saying. I think the Geneva Convention comes in to play. That was a fashion thing, right?

A: I think you're thinking of the G8 Summit.

M: Does that have to do with extra long leather shorts butts? Then yes.

A: This year's G8 Summit is going to be on the following topic: Remember Those Awful Saggy Pocket Shirts? What Was That?

M: I am really itching to hear Silvio Burlesconi's thoughts on the matter.

A: HOW AM I JUST NOTICING THE BAGGY LONG ASS LEATHER SHORTS ARE NEARLY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS AUIHTAWEBNQIAEGTK;JSDBHk

M: I KNOW RIGHT WHAT THE HELL

A: It's a joke, right? A terrible terrible joke ON HUMANITY. Fortunately, I know a criminal defense lawyer on Twitter. He refused to represent the shorts, but was happy to give an opinion, pro bono:

@amblus @gregorysheldon Can you please weigh in on what/how many laws are being broken here? 

@gregorysheldon From a legal standpoint, this is larceny by false pretenses. They are trying to convince you these are cool and get your money. 

@gregorysheldon From a fashion standpoint, the pleats, the price, the name of the color, the material, use of the word exquisite... 

@mariannecanada HOW did I miss the name of the color? Spiced Olive sounds like something you're forced to eat as punishment. 

@amblus DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR. FINE, SPICED OLIVE TIME. 

@gregorysheldon No, no, no! Not the spiced olives again. I'll be good, I promise! 

@mariannecanada "Little Jimmy is constipated again, so I had to force feed him spiced olives last night." 

@gregorysheldon I just... wow. 

@amblus Gagging. 

@mariannecanada Thank you, thank you.

M: Maybe the Rapture really DID happen? Because those shorts would definitely be Left Behind. Kirk Cameron would see to that.

A: I'm pretty sure Kirk Cameron wore those shorts on Growing Pains.

M: Dude, no way. It was totally Boner in the shorts.

A: You know what? I was going to go there and then I thought, NO DO NOT GO THERE.

And you went there.

M: I kind of live to go there.

M: Also, don't Google "Boner Growing Pains Shorts".

A: OH. YEAH.

M: I would like to take this time to welcome all of our new, perverted readers. Mazel tov!

A: Welcome, perverts! We will mock you! And challenge you via email, so make sure you don't use your WORK EMAIL ADDRESS!

A: PS. Yes, kids, that happened.

M: Take heed! We have no problem publishing the creepazoid emails you send us!

M: P.P.S. The email was about my feet.