Gift Guide For Your Sworn Enemy.

I am not one to have sworn enemies (as far as I know)  but I am open to the idea. It could happen! And if it does, I need to be prepared. Like, what do you buy for your enemy when the holidays roll around? Here are some ideas:

This is the worst mascara EVER disguised as the best mascara ever. That way, you look like you're doing your enemy a favor instead of what you're actually doing, which is giving her shitty mascara:

And nothing says "I love to hate you" like paring it with the World's Worst cute nail files. Win!

This seems like a really cute leather-trimmed dress (and a great price!) but wow, those reviews:

This nice-seeming dress will make your enemy look poochy! PERFECT.

"But, they're Jimmy Choo!"

"But it's Givenchy!"

"What? You love Stella McCartney!"

If your enemy loves cooking, buy something from the JCPenney Michael Graves line. If it's anything like the old Target version this stuff looks great but it was all designed by someone who's never cooked a meal. Or lived on the planet.  (Related, I once had a MG knife set where you couldn't tell which side of the knife was sharp. Good designing, Michael Crazypants.)

If your enemy is trying to get into a fitness routine, definitely buy this Tracy Anderson monstrosity of time-wasting starvation diet uselessness:

Yay! Lift that 2lb weight a million times and eat baby food! You're so close!

Now, if I were your sworn enemy, a Yankee Candle would be the very best/worst thing you could buy for me. Especially if it was an extra-offensive Man Candle:

There is so much wrong with that I don't even know where to start, y'all. And it would make me wheeze, so bonus enemy torture.

Finally, if you are truly full of awesome hate for the enemy in your life these gummy bears are exactly the thing. So thoughtful!