Reader Question: Gleemonex Needs A Unicorn.

The latest reader question is from long-time LGFTB favorite, Gleemonex! She apparently doesn't really like me at all because, while she says she wants a leather jacket, what she really wants is a magical beautiful buttery unicorn. Duh, don't we all. Here is her email:

I am having a thing lately where I have somehow become convinced I need a leather jacket. This has never happened to me before. My husband is a vegetarian, and he’s not going to adore this, but … I can’t help it when the Clothes Fairy speaks to me. 

It needs to be black, or dark, harnessy brown. Or maybe — if the stars align -- a dusky red. (Think the Frye color palette.) Not two-toned. Smooth and buttery, not shiny, but not rough. Very simple lines, no foldovers, NO hardware … I’m not a Real Housewife or a fake moto enthusiast. A length somewhere in the mid-hip, neither butt-covering nor cropped, i.e. that doesn’t say either “suburban mom” (which I am) or “music festival attendee in her early 20s” (which I’m not). Glovelike fit, no blousing — and I have a generous chest and short waist, so good luck with that. Lined but NOT insulated — I live in Northern California, it’ll only have to stand up to temps in the mid-50s and maybe a light cool breeze of a November afternoon. I think a zipper — concealed or same-color, not contrasting — would beat buttons. Stretchy cuffs ok, but not on the bottom of the jacket (I’m going for utility, not a high school letterman aesthetic). 

I’m a terrible shopper and I give up so easily because I hate it so much and become discouraged and disheartened … can you help a sister out? I’m aware that this can get pricey — but if I love a thing enough, and know I’ll wear it for years, I can make it happen. Nothing worse than a cheap ugly leather jacket.

This is...basically impossible. Well, I mean, this jacket probably exists in the magical land of rich people clothes, like this Balenciaga jacket doesn't exactly suck and this one by ATM Anthony Whatever Whatever is obviously holy grail stuff, but realistically it's hard to track down a Leather Jacket of Perfection for less than a bagillion dollars. Also, if she were looking for the perfect leather motorcycle jacket, this Madewell version is basically making me weep but she's not so I move on. Slowly. Looking back over my shoulder. I will find you! No matter how long it takes, no matter how far. I will find you!

Ahem. Onward. Here are the options I found that kinda sorta meet her requirements if you squint a little bit:

First we have the safe choice, a very straightforward Cole Haan jacket. It's not going to rock your world but it looks buttery and comfortable and could not be less fussy. You could wear this for years.

This June Vintage Moto jacket appeals to me by being really simple but also a little punk rock. The zippers and detailing are all tonal and super-subtle, which is unusual. I love it in black but it also comes in a dark harness brown.

I'm including this relatively inexpensive Trouvé jacket because it gets such good reviews! It's lightweight and, according to the comments, the fit is appropriately glove-like.

The side stretch panels on this sleek Via Spiga jacket will probably disqualify it but the fit is kind of amazing. Ain't nobody gonna notice your side panels is all I'm saying.

This Linea Pelle jacket is a really, really perfect dusky red color and is totally ruined by the stupid hood (which is detachable but why even.) That color, though. So good.

I saved this one for last. The Bowie lambskin jacket by Again Collection is a perfectly gorgeous color and it's named BOWIE because of course it is. I am such a sucker I'd buy it just for that. BOWIE. JACKET.  (Like, I get that it's a straight up motorcycle jacket and not what she's looking for but Bowie, y'all. Come on.)

Hopefully there's a hit here for Gleemonex but if not, maybe one of you will find your magical buttery dream unicorn?